Over the past few months of training I have looked occasionally in the mirror and seen small changes in the way I look, I have concentrated on strength gains and not focused on how that changes my physique, as I said to Rick last night I would rather eat a tub of ice cream and be strong then have abs.
But as much as I think and believe in this statement, I look at myself in the mirror; my arms are bigger; my waist more defined; my quads and calves bigger (only slightly) I look like I lift heavy weight occasionally. This makes me happy, I can cope with losing a cup size if it means I can lift 20 kg heavier, to me this seems like a fair trade off.
The sense of empowerment I get from walking into a gym, lifting a weight that no one expected me too is immense, I am sure it can be linked to some psychological need developed in childhood but who cares!
Yesterday I noticed people looking at me in the weights room, normally I feel like this happens as being female sets off a small alarm only men can hear but as soon as I am plodding along with my own workout no one pays any attention.
Yesterday was different, people were watching at different stages of my workout, is this because I look like I lift now?
I am not saying people were thinking gosh I want to look like her, or phaw I like the look of that. It was more like curiosity or looking at something you find freakish ( I was in a commercial gym at the time, so a little bit of muscle is considered a lot) In one woman’s case I am pretty sure she hadn't realised that mirrors are reflective and pointing to me and laughing is a rather big give away to what you are thinking.
Did this bother me?
I spoke to Rick about it after, I have never been a person to want to stand out or get attention; much safer to hide in the back.
When I wear normal clothes I look very average but in gym clothes people can see how much hard work I have put into my body to make it as strong as possible, I am proud to lift iron not as a fad or as a way to get attention but because of the empowerment and clarity it provides for me.
Life is not easy, by making my self strong I am making sure I can survive and if it makes me look different to how I am expected to look, well I can live with that!